It doesn't hurt at all
by Puh-Schell
Summary: When Harry is cornered from a Dementor, he thinks his life is going to end in a very painful way. But it doesn’t. In fact, it doesn’t hurt at all…


**Title: It doesn't hurt at all**

**Author: **Puh-Schell****

**Rating:** R

**Summary:** When Harry is cornered from a Dementor, he thinks his life is going to end in a very painful way. But it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't hurt at all…

**Notes:** I'm stuck with my German WIPs – major writers block – and considered updating my English ones when this bunny tackled me. And me being me, I landed flat on my arse with the bunny on top. So, it's a little ficlet about our dear Harry feeling quite depressed. The poem – if you can call it that – is from me and yeah, I know I suck at poetry but it just made sense this way. Also, Sirius is still alive in my fic. Well, it's definitely not the way Rowling would write so why let him die?

_This_ is poem and the rest is normal fic.

'This' is flash back.

~These~ are thoughts

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

Harry sat near the lake, watching the sun go down and the last rays of the sun fading away. He wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his head on his knees.

"Happy birthday Harry." he whispered to himself.

When you look 

_Right through me_

The party had been nice, Harry assumed. Remus and Sirius smiling like two proud fathers or what a proud father would look like, Harry assumed.

But their eyes had rested more on his head boy badge and on Dumbledore telling of Harry's last adventure with Voldemort than on him.

Ron and Hermione had given him his present, a joined one for his eighteenth birthday. A full Auror gear, made especially for him.

Harry wondered if they thought he would like it or if they gave it to him because he needed it.

Cause I know 

_That there's nothing worth to see._

Picking up a stone, Harry walked nearer to the lake and gazed down into the water. Could he even become an Auror? The training was hard and Harry didn't really want to fight anyone anyway. But he didn't want to go flying either.

Harry wanted peace and calm.

But that wasn't want the others wanted to see.

That was not what they wanted.

Peace was worth nothing if people wanted to fight their enemies.

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

Sitting down, Harry threw the stone across the lake, watching it bouncing off the surface of the water five times before finally sinking to the ground.

Did he care what they saw in him?

~No~

_When you talk about me_

_As if I'm not there_

'"My, Sirius, have you tested Harry on his defences yet?" Dumbledore asked. Sirius shook his head. "No, but Remus and I will do that in about an hour."

Harry was sitting just one meter away at the table, doing his homework.'

Did they ever wonder how he felt about these things?

~Probably not~

'Remus entered the room. Harry was reading a book on the sofa and Sirius was sipping some tea while reading the newspaper.

"Sirius, have you checked Harry's homework yet?"

"No Rem, not yet."

Remus sighed. "Sirius, Harry has to learn much things in order to fight against Voldemort and you sitting there being lazy won't help him."

"I know, I know."'

_Cause I know_

_That I wouldn't want to hear it anyway._

They weren't even ever talking quietly, no, always in a normal tone. As if Harry was dumb.

~Maybe I am~

Harry drew his legs near to him once again.

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

What should he do about? What could he do? ~Nothing~

So Harry kept on reading and pretended he never heard anything.

_When you make me do  
Things I would never think about_

'"You need better training Harry." Dumbledore sighed. "It's your sixth year now and soon Voldemort will be able to directly attack you. You have to learn, Harry. You have to learn how to withstand Crucio and Imperius."

Harry just nodded not saying anything.

What should he say?'

Harry stretched out on the still fairly warm ground and rested his head on the grass.

_Cause I know  
That it's not really me._

'"How's Harry coming along with his training?" Sirius asked while he smiled at his shivering godson.

Minerva beamed. "Wonderful! Crucio doesn't even to have any effect on him!"

And Harry remembered, remembered those shouts…

#Crucio!#

And Harry was burning, burning all over and his bones were aching and his nerves were being cut open…

But it wasn't really him, never had been…

And the pain subsided and he saw his body, this body twitching, moving in silent agony…

All the while Harry didn't scream, didn't do anything, cause it wasn't really him anyways…'

Harry's eyes glazed over and he drew his robe closer around him, shivering just a bit. It was getting cold here.

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

Harry looked around and noticed the hooded black figure moving towards him. He knew what it was and why it was getting colder, but Harry didn't care.

_When you praise me_

_For being your toy_

'Dumbledore smiled and patted Harry's back, smiling his overly large smile. "You did it again Harry. That was just in time."

And Harry nodded, and smiled a bit, too, but inside of him he didn't care at all. He knew he should care, but somehow this world meant nothing to him.

Everything meant nothing to him.

_Cause I know_

_That your vanity will let you fall._

And while the Dementor came nearer and nearer, pictures started floating around Harry's head…

…the severed head of Neville, laying on the cold ground, his eyes still opened in shock, his mouth still open in a silent scream: 'No…'

…the lifeless pits of Ginny's eyes after she had jumped into the way of the green light heading towards her brother's best friend

…Sprouts determined look on her face, guarding The Boy Who Lived even when that meant facing a basilisk

_It doesn't hurt at all_…

How they had fallen for a half dead body of a long forgotten boy.

He knew he should care.

But he didn't.

~Why should I~

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

Still the Dementor crept closer. It was now maybe five meters away from Harry.

_When you punish me_

_For letting the mask down_

'"Harry!" Hermione shrieked. She and Ron came rushing towards him, Sirius and Remus following closely behind them.

Harry watched while he got weaker and wished them away. Why did they have to come? Why did they have to come looking for him?

The blood on his arms was not enough and Harry knew they wouldn't let him go this time.'

The Dementor had reached Harry now and crouched down next to him, seeming to just look at him.

'"Why did you do that, Harry?" Sirius demanded to know in rage. "Why? Harry, you're my godson! Do you even know how you worried us?"

Sirius sat down next to Harry. "Why? What was wrong, Harry? Is it the war? You don't need to worry, it will be over soon. You'll see, your eighteenth birthday will be the last you have to celebrate during a war. I promise."'

But these promises had meant nothing.

_Cause I know_

_That the colours will fade away._

The time had passed by, March, April, May, June, July – and what had happened?

Nothing, they had simply forgotten everything.

~Like they forgot me~

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

The Dementor sat itself right next to Harry into the grass and stroked the boy's cheek with its hand.

_That I'm just_

_An object to you_

Harry knew he meant nothing to them all. The Dementor didn't need to show him that. He knew it all the time and he will still know tomorrow, and the day after that and a month later and a year later.

And they would go on treating him like their trophy until he killed Voldemort.

_Cause I know_

_Someday old things get thrown away._

Harry closed his eyes.

The Dementor leaned its face over Harry's head and pressed a small, little kiss upon his scar.

Harry waited, but he didn't know for what, maybe a sudden feeling of peace, maybe his mind getting calm, he didn't know.

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

Harry opened his eyes again while he heard screams in the background, from the castle. Sirius und Remus, running towards them.

The Dementor's mouth smiled at Harry and Harry understood. The creature pressed another kiss on his scar and got up, disappearing to wherever it came from.

Harry looked at it's retreating figure disappearing behind the lake until his godfather arrived.

"Harry, are you alright?"

~I will always be all right. It doesn't hurt at all~

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_Because I threw myself away long ago_

**Complete poem:**

**It doesn't hurt at all…**

****

It doesn't hurt at all… 

_When you look_

_Right through me_

_Cause I know_

_That there's nothing worth to see._

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_When you talk about me_

_As if I'm not there_

_Cause I know_

_That I wouldn't want to hear it anyway._

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_When you make me do  
Things I would never think about_

_Cause I know  
That it's not really me._

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_When you praise me_

_For being your toy_

_Cause I know_

_That your vanity will let you fall._

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_When you punish me_

_For letting the mask down_

_Cause I know_

_That the colours will fade away. _

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_That I'm just_

_An object to you_

_Cause I know_

_Someday old things get thrown away._

_It doesn't hurt at all…_

_Because I threw myself away long ago_

**A/N:** *Puts her head in her hands* I don't if it's terrible or good. Please tell me?


End file.
